So often, it seems that the church has been so concerned
about saying no to sexual intimacy that we have failed in working with
relationships that can build toward romantic intimacy. Some time ago, I was
stunned to hear that Dr. John Gottman, in analyzing tapes of couples and their
interactions, could predict with great accuracy if the relationship would last
or not. On this Valentine’s weekend, I thought that I could offer just a hint from
his institute’s work to help us bolster relationships. I would encourage folks
to get his material from the library, or to work with local therapists familiar
with their methods and approach. Maybe churches could offer some workshops for
building relationship beyond the good work we often offer in pre-marital
preparation.
Valentine’s Day seems to have differing expectations of
presents to be purchased by men or women. Too often we have been content to
notice differences in male and female patterns of relating, but have given
neither gender much help in how to work on or with their patterns to make them
more inviting or healthier for the relationship. We went to the Wildey Theater
this weekend to see the play, defending the Caveman by Rob Becker. It has had
such a long run as it is an affectionate and humorous look at the differences
between men and women that links to our origins as gatherers or hunters.
The core of the Gottman approach is quite basic: taking care
to be kind and respectful of each other. Gottman notices that we fall into
patterns that can be healthy or destructive. For a religious person, I like his
description of traits in a relationship as the Four Horsemen. Diane Sawyer
relates that she was told that a criticism is a poor substitute for making a
request. Relationships grow toxic when criticism becomes a basic mode of
communication. After a while, it curdles into contempt or derision for the
person whom we love. After a while, we get completely out of balance and give
no credit to a partner for positive words and deeds but only subtract for
negative words and deeds, until we are in such deep debt that it is extremely
difficult to get back to level, let alone positive affect.
All of us have a rough map in our mind of a destination in
life, what occupies space in it, and routes to get there. Part of that life map
is going it alone or sharing that life. Part of the negotiation of that map is
not only figuring out the details of one’s own hopes but learning of the hopes,
expectations, or dreams of the partner. Early in the infatuation stage, we rush
to get all sorts of information, and we marvel that we both like Heinz ketchup.
As time passes, we don’t pay attention to new information or how the map may be
changing, or what to do when a dream is fulfilled. The point is that working
together helps to cement the relationship and help it to weather the inevitable
tough times that mark any period of time together. Partners “make bids” for
attention and how we respond to that is a “sliding door” that can be open or
closed
The Adam and Eve story shows that human beings are made for
relationship. On a Valentine’s weekend, it is my prayer that we prize romantic
relationships. May we take the time in prayer to thank God for their presence
in our lives. May those who crave a partner find someone to share life
together. God is present in the connections a couple creates. God is present
where a couple learns to be together, as they respect and act kindly toward one
another.
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