Father day column 2018

Father’s Day was sometimes troubling for me. My father was killed in a seafaring accident before I was three, so I have no memory of him. When our daughters were born, I would realize that I was able to see them grow up in a way that he was not permitted. I soon learned the father’s day is not in the same league as Mother’s day. The card selection is smaller. I have not seen much anxiety over a present for Dad in any way close to the hand wringing over a Mother’s day present. Fathers are considered fashion victims, yet a standard present is a tie or socks or worse, stylish underwear.

The fine writer Michael Chabon has written on being a father recently. “The handy thing about being a father is that the historic standard is so pitifully low.” In part he means that 20^th Century fatherhood was making a living and having the mother be the emotional center of a well-run household, a delegation model. John Wooden said that being a role model is the most powerful form of educating…too often fathers neglect it because they get so caught up in making a living they forget to make a life.”  With the advent of two earner families, fathers have often adjusted to much more responsibility.

Biblical fathers, especially in Genesis, are not successful. Instead, they continue dysfunctional traditions, one generation to the next. On the other hand, Proverbs is filled with sage advice about being a father. “Hear, O sons, a father's instruction; and be attentive, that you may gain insight; for I give you good precepts. Do not forsake my teaching. When I was a son with my father, tender, the only one in the sight of my mother, he “taught me, and said to me, ‘Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments, and live. Get wisdom; get insight. Do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will keep you; love her, and she will guard you. (Prov. 4) “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old” (Prov.23:22) (Notice that wisdom is portrayed as female and is the cardinal virtue). Umberto Eco surmises that “what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.”

The notion of the fatherhood of God has slipped in recent times, and we are always in danger of externalizing our notion of human fathers to the divine realm. Yet, the fatherhood model of God is a complex one, not an imprimatur on child-rearing practices. Still, it carries with it a hint of respect and awe. Aspiration is connected to our emulation of a father. “Sometimes I think my father is an accordion. When he looks at me and smiles and breathes, I hear the notes.” (Markus Zusak).

While we prize activities with a father and words of wisdom, some of us have the difficult gift of seeing a father move into old age. It challenges our view of them from childhood. It is a striking introduction to our own mortality, our own transience. After all, honor the father is a commandment for adults, not a hammer for a disobedient child. We come to realize, as adults, the hidden depths, the hidden history of an often taciturn father. Perhaps the most valuable words of a father is letting us know of their pride in us. Perhaps, the most poignant of reciprocity is telling them of our pride in them.