Mother's Day 2102 column

I know Mother’s Day has a lot of force to it, when I notice the card aisle at the store. They are packed, and anxious faces peer through card after card, as they hope to find the perfect one. Father’s Day just does not carry the emotional freight of Mother’s Day. I won’t even begin to compare the presents given on Mother’s Day in comparison to the fashion detritus that Dads receive in a month. Even with the changes in social roles in the last generation, it seems that mothers are the emotional centers of the household. Contemporary mothers often carry two full-time roles, a career outside the home and managing a household. All of that effort takes its toll. Women have trouble sleeping because a list of undone tasks nags at them, even as they morph into the dread “honey-do” list. They feel especially unappreciated and unrecognized for countless acts of kindness and care. Erma Bombeck said that in a mother judgment turns into compassion and understanding. So a lot of weight gets placed on Mother’s Day. We know a card, flowers, and a gift cannot adequately reflect a bow to their import, but the pressure is on. I was speaking with a group of women recently and they regarded Mother’s Day with a good deal of self-protection. If they did not have high expectations of the day, they would not be so disappointed. They had the wistful look of folks who had received blenders when they hoped for a cruise. When my mother would be dissatisfied with her presents yet again, I would tell her a story of a man who took his mother to an elegant supper for Mother’s day. to top it off, he wore one of the hideous ties she had gotten him for his birthday. Immediately, she looks at him and sniffs, “so what’s wrong? You didn’t like the other one?” As a spiritual practice, I would urge two for Mother’s Day. Forgiveness is one. Not even mothers are perfect. The demands on them are coupled with incredible shared expectations of perfection. Then we walk through life resentful for hurts and wrongs, real or imagined, minor or major. Second, I urge the practice of gratitude. Because the expectations are so entrenched, the vast amount of effort and emotional wear and tear on mothers has become part of the emotional and mental landscape. Write out some specific acts for which you are grateful write out some specific virtues you mother has demonstrated. Washington Irving wrote: “A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” Perhaps only Christmas prompts such a surge of memory as does this holiday. Consider making a timeline of events and attach a memory to them. Perhaps you can illustrate them with a photo like the new timeline on facebook. Memory is notoriously unstable. Reflect on those memories and see if you can deepen them by coming at them from a different standpoint than you usually do. Cherish memory as an uncommon gift. I watch our own mother slide into dementia, and her very self faded. I hope and pray that you will not only cherish memories on Mother’s Day but also make some good memories to store away for the future. May this year provide a template for wonderful memories yet to be made.