Mothers are often the family caregivers, the center of its life. I remember that my brother and I picked wildflowers for her in the field behind our house almost 50 years ago. It is a shock when the roles are reversed, and they require care. It’s a chilling prospect for adult children. We still se ourselves as caretakers of our own children, even if they are grown, and se are not sure about entrusting ourselves to them.
We witness so many reversals. The woman who told us that a new cereal was disgustingly sweet, now wants to eat only dessert. The woman who changed my brother and me, who had a hard time with changing the “new” plastic diapers of her grandchildren, needs help.We swore she could see through walls and behind her without turning, but now she sees but dimly. She could hear us whispering, or being “too quiet” but I don’t think she’s heard anything her granddaughters have said to her in years.
The decline brings some laughs; maybe it has to. My mother likes me to play a bit on the piano. One of the residents told me that I must not have practiced enough as a child. She was right. Never getting to play anything popular reached its climax with general Grant’s March, and I quit playing. I was encouraged by The Piano Guy’s easier method on TV, so I pick out some tunes a bit. Edelweiss is easy, and my mother likes it and recognizes it. Recently, she announced that the song was called, “Thank God for Me.” I told her the title again. She replied that Edelweiss meant “thank God for me.”
She’s at the stage where we share few memories. When I reminisce, it is as if she is hearing it for the first time. Sometimes that eases troubles. She doesn’t remember that she is widowed, or that my brother died at the same age as our father. She may forget. God does not forget. I love the idea in process theology that our lives are taken up into the memory of God.. Connected to God, her life and memories will not be lost but are kept safe and sound in the divine life. After all, Mary was with jesusfrom Bethlehem to Calvary. I wonder if she received a resurrection appearance.
In the meantime, create some good memories for yourself and your mother, even if we have no guarantee that they will be remembered by both of you. Mothers can take a break from double binds and emotional manipulations and enjoy the presents and the compliments. Children can let go of grudges and disappointments and celebrate. Both can ask what sort of memories do they want to create, that remain with them as the years go by. Some may be surrounded by mothers: a birth mother, the mother of their children, and maybe their own children are now mothers.
Maybe the best Mother’s Day present is the gift of presence and time. Touching base with a mother, to share memories and maybe make some new ones, is a mutual gift. The gift of time lovingly spent is a great legacy of mothers. Years ago, our youngest daughter was sick when she was about 15 months. She cried in the night. I went to get her, and she looked at me, and hit me as she said, not Momma. Mothers care for us in every dimension of our growth into adulthood. They are the touchpoints of our lives. They deserve a day for us to bask in that love that is a bit of heavenon earth.
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