August 9 Eph. 4:25-5:2, 2 Sam. 18
Gottman on anger a plea for paying attention to something important-it’s underscores something- When linked with the four horsemen it becomes toxic-how it is handled also depends on how we handle conflict and anger and positive v. negative amount building up-Absalom and anger!) . the Sermon on the Mount looks at anger/wrath/rage The presidential candidate Ben Carson has spoken movingly of his youthful attempts to deal with his debilitating anger through consideration fo the book of Proverbs, say chapter 15.
Anger is an excellent diagnostic tool. For instance, it may demonstrate a boundary violation. It can be a blame reaction, or a sign of powerlessness and frustration. "flustrated." It may be a learned, patterned reaction -Gottman recommends that couples agree to take a break when emotions grow heated and comments get out of control. to take a Time out away from the angry feelings Partners should go away and do various coping skills deep breathing, self-soothing, and stress management to cool off- agree to return to finish the discussion when they are more in control of their emotions. Get rid of it. the other approaches (i.e., stuffing and expressing) are due to the person staying angry. The key thing is to stop feeling angry. All emotions, including anger, are a mixture of physical impulses (face reddening) and the meanings we assign to the feeling. Mental tactics can also reduce anger, such as by reframing the problem or conflict. For example, rather than being angered by a friend’s rude comment, one might reinterpret the comment as a sign of the friend’s exhaustion. Distracting oneself and turning one’s attention to other, more pleasant topics, also works because angry people tend to ruminate ( I like the cattle image there) about what made them angry Recent research has shown that taking a detached perspective can also reduce anger and aggression. In addition, certain behaviors can help get rid of anger. For example, petting a puppy, watching a comedy, or performing a good deed can help, because those acts are incompatible with anger and therefore they make the angry state more difficult to sustain.
Gottman's research urges using a ‘soft' as opposed to a ‘harsh' start up. Be ready to use a more gentle introduction to talking about the issue. Let go of nit picking criticism whenever you can. -Practice damage control by giving five positive communications to one negative communication, ‘positive sentiment override' where they agree to practice damage control after an argument. -try to speak of the problem as belonging to both of you‹not just your partner who should shape up. ‘Our issue is who should clean the house.' ‘You never do your share of the work.' sets the stage for defensiveness.Stay in the present and do not bring in old examples of the times you were hurt by your partner's behavior.a power struggle. One couple I knew had bitter fights over whose mother was the meanest! Some arguments can never be resolved because they are based on value differences between the couple that are so personal that they are not seen objectively.-Gottman says that two thirds of all arguments in a relationship will never get solved! so can we be willing to distinguish solvable from unsolvable problems: What can be negotiated and what cannot? What is most important to you; what can you let go?.-As the poet, Anne Sarton said, we can choose to write ourselves back into sanity-
Anger is a deadly sin for good reason. Left to fester into the acts of an Absalom. Left unchecked, it place sus in situations that can harm relationships.
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