Some thoughts on missing someone during the holidays

I write on what would have been my mother’s 95th birthday. She was a difficult person. Still, I miss her annual description of why her half-frozen turkey was not finished in what she deemed the allotted time. She imagined a nationwide brownout from everyone cooking, but the brownout was directed at her oven solely, so it was working slowly.You think you had to deal with insufferable in-law conversation , the blowhard anti Obama clod, or the infinitely self-righteous liberal bloviating on Ferguson, try to talk with that mixture of technical imagination and self-centeredness.

The fine writer Connie Schultz got me thinking in this vein  in a recent column.On Facebook, she prayed that the day would land gently on those who were missing someone during the holiday.I join in her prayer. I hope to be able to offer a workshop at church on holiday blues.

So what to do? I Be hospitable to your feelings. Holidays contain ambivalent feelings. Admit you miss them. No, I am not suggesting another funeral, but it is perfectly fine to tell stories about them, to allow their name to be mentioned. Here are some suggestions for dealing with them.

Generally, I am a bit detached from “retail therapy.” I am too cheap for its allure, I suppose. I am not among those who decry Black Friday. Indeed, a study suggests that allowing us to have an orgy of shopping helps the yearly budget. Not  only are we flight or fight creatures, we are feast or famine creatures.If we allow ourselves a special buying feast, we settle down more during the “famine” periods. The world is a tough place, and if we have a big sale day for shopping, I am not going to criticize it.

Maintain holiday traditions but also be willing to change or adapt some. Ri So, make the three level mint, e persimmon, and pork jello salad that even the dog avoids,utal gives us a sense of order within emotional chaos. Even though, things will never be the same, we put one foot in front of the other and move.So kakje that three layer jellos salad with mint, persimmon, and pork that even the dog won’t even touch. It’s OK to include golden oldies. Once again, our youngest daughter asked for seconds with those dreaded words,..while you’re up.Yes, that includes sports. Is it possible, has Detroit won two Thanksgiving Day games in a row? Be willing to notice if something is worthy of becoming a holiday tradition. Rituals can help memorialize a loss without being maudlin.

Continue to work on  your relationship with the deceased. It does no one any favors to idealize them into a saint when they were like most of us, far less than perfect  in one form or another.That may well be to forgive them those very imperfections. My generation  has many grandparents now, but we rarely have dealt with our disappointments or disputes with our parents. It’s time to let the snow cover over grudges.

The word holiday emerged from the words holy day.Prayer is the great tool of spiritual therapy. Be willing to pray candid,confused prayers. Prayers,especially public ones, should be beautifully rendered. Yet, they are a form of communication. When no one else wants to hear our confusion, God is more than willing. If the prayers go back over the same issues, God does not seem to mind leftover prayers. God has embraced the memory of a loved one into the divine life, so we can talk and talk about missing them. May this start of the holiday season be a gracious one. May you create memories to spare for years to come, with those whom you love imperfectly and well.