Column on New Harriet Lerner book on marriage

One of the privileges of ministry is officiating at weddings. One of the chores of ministry is struggling to do pre-marital work with couples. Over time, I wish to speak about conflict, role expectations, personality style, money, time, and family background. I try to underscore all of the resources available for couples and that their pitfalls in relationships are shared by most of us. I scan resource books at times. I have long admired the work of Harriet Lerner, especially her books Dance of anger and Dance of Intimacy. She just released a very easy to read book called Marriage Rules. One of the things I appreciate is her willingness to use the work of John Gottman. he has analyzed thousands of interactions between couples. Over time, he has identified for major trouble signs in a relationship. First, he notices that good relationships have a ratio of 5:1 levels of praise to criticism or complaint. Just that piece of data is enough to send chills along the spine of most of us in relationship. Along the same line, when one feel compelled to criticize, we should take aim at the behavior and not label the whole person. It is preferable to say: “it annoys me when you leave your gym socks on the floor to: “you are such a slob,” or “what is wrong with you?” Quite simply she asks us to cut down the amount and volume of our criticism. She recalls working with a couple who had vicious fights in their marriage. they then were hosts for a well-mannered, important British visitor for two months in their home. It was a great time for their marriage. she suggested that they continue to imagine they had a respected guest in their home more often, to tone down their fights. After all, the relationship itself should always be viewed as a respected guest in the home. Second, contempt- is corrosive to relationship. It undermines the sense of loyalty and togetherness. It assumes a superior/inferior role that may well doom a healthy, growing relationship. This is often signalled by facial expression, tone of voice, and body postures as much as words or deeds. Third, in response to barrage of criticism, most of us get defensive. At other times, we figure the best defense is a good offense and we go on the attack-. Complaints about us get translated into assaults on the partner in the relationship in hopes that they will be put on the defensive and let us alone. In either case, the issues and behavior don’t get resolved. “Well, what about you” can be a real deterrent to any meaningful work toward resolving an issue. Defensiveness is often a sure way to get a small point escalating into a full-blown confrontation or fight in no time. Finally, when things get out of whack, and the push and pull of a relationship gets strained, one or both folks in the relationship start to distance from each other: sexually, emotionally, or mentally. A difficult point is when one partner stonewalls any attempt at communication. Lerner offers some well-hone wisdom when she asks couple to honor and respect repair attempts, even if they are clumsy or not what we would want or do. If we reject them or criticize them, we fall into real danger of creating a chasm that no bridge can cross. I dislike the phrase, working on a marriage, as it sounds mechanical. I prefer organic images such as tending its garden. It is heightened if we consider each other precious plants within that garden. The blessing on a marriage require respect for each partner within it. To learn to use the right approach and attitudes respects that blessed relationship and allows it to blossom and flourish.